Dear Dumb Diary Year Two #5: You Can Bet on That Read online

  messages to the biotics.

  “Well, they’re good sometimes and bad other

  times,” she said. Then she went on to tell us about

  all different kinds of these little fellas, and how

  some help us, and some harm us.

  I thought it was weird how they all have this

  huge effect on us, but none of them even have the

  brainpower to know that we exist. Doesn’t it seem

  like we should be able to trick them into infecting

  mannequins? Or even photographs of ourselves?

  108

  After class, I talked to Isabella about

  Angeline’s little plot yesterday.

  “I can hardly believe that Angeline did that,”

  Isabella said. “Seriously, that is some quality

  scheming. I think I may have a position for her in

  my organization. She’s a natural.”

  Is she? I mean, how could sweet little

  super-nice Angeline even operate on that level?

  Wednesday 25

  Dear Dumb Diary,

  Before school today, Assistant Principal

  Devon stopped me in the hall and asked me to come

  to his office.

  He pulled a little box from his desk drawer

  and showed it to me. It was a necklace — a

  beautiful little gold heart on a chain.

  “What do you think?” he said.

  “Thanks!” I said, reaching for the necklace,

  which he quickly pulled away.

  “No, it’s not for you. It’s for your Aunt Carol.

  Thursday is our one-year anniversary.”

  “No, it isn’t,” I said.

  “Yes, it is,” he said.

  “NO. IT. ISN’T.”

  “YES. IT. IS . It’s the one-year anniversary

  of our engagement.”

  I had to count on my fingers. Oh, man. He

  was right.

  110

  Since Uncle Dan is one of the Very Recently

  Married, he actually remembers things like this.

  My dad doesn’t remember any dates, not even his

  actual wedding anniversary, much less the dumb

  unofficial anniversaries like engagements. To

  prevent problems, my mom writes reminders and

  tapes them to his underwear.

  One time, he missed one until he got to a

  doctor’s appointment. He pulled off his pants

  and the doctor saw a note that read, IT’S

  SOMEBODY’S BIRTHDAY taped to my dad’s

  underpants. The weird thing was, it really was his

  doctor’s birthday.

  Now he has a different doctor.

  111

  I asked Uncle Dan if Aunt Carol knew it was

  their engagement anniversary, and he laughed.

  “Of course she knows, Jamie! Your Aunt Carol

  is very sentimental about things like this.”

  Aunt Carol stopped by the house kind of late

  tonight — she was dropping off a carton of milk

  that she had picked up for my mom at the store. I

  was already in my pajamas. And by pajamas, I mean

  clothes I probably should have thrown out but am

  still willing to wear under blankets in the dark.

  112

  “Shopping, huh?” I asked, grinning. I figured

  she had been out buying an anniversary gift for

  Uncle Dan.

  “Yes,” she said, looking puzzled.

  “Getting something nice for Uncle Dan?”

  “I got him some peanut butter for his

  lunches. I never knew how much he liked it before.”

  “You know what I mean,” I said. “Your

  anniversary. It’s tomorrow.”

  “No, it’s not,” she said, and we kind of

  recreated the entire conversation I’d had earlier

  with Uncle Dan.

  113

  Finally, after counting on her fingers, she

  admitted it.

  “Oh, I guess it is,” she said. “But I’m not

  going to worry about it. I’m sure he didn’t

  remember.”

  Dad nodded. He agreed that nobody should

  remember anything.

  I made a groany, burpy swallowing sound, and

  Mom and Aunt Carol eyed me suspiciously.

  “He DID remember, didn’t he?” Aunt Carol

  said. I tried to make it up the stairs without

  responding, but when anniversary presents are

  involved, old ladies like Mom and Aunt Carol can

  move a lot faster than you think, and they caught

  me before I was even halfway up.

  “He did remember,”I said, knowing

  that they could torture it out of me anyway.Why

  delay things? “He got you a beautiful necklace, and

  he’s so excited to give it to you.”

  114

  Aunt Carol started freaking out. Most of the

  stores were closed, and there was really no time to

  go shopping anyway because she was already late.

  Then Uncle Dan would totally know she had waited

  until the last second to get him something.

  I went into the kitchen and quickly put

  together a fine assortment of canned goods in a

  basket with a ribbon. I made a glittery little card

  that read:

  I was pretty proud of the idea, but when I

  brought it back out into the living room, Aunt Carol

  had calmed down.

  “It’s a great idea, Jamie,” she said in that

  voice adults use when something is not a great

  idea. “But we figured it out.”

  My dad smiled and nodded.

  115

  Thursday 26

  Dear Dumb Diary,

  Today was the day they took Uncle Dan’s

  photo. Aunt Carol even got me and Angeline out of

  class so we could be part of his big moment.

  The cameraman had set up some big fancy

  lights, and was fussing over every detail in the

  background.

  Before they took the photos, Uncle Dan

  grabbed Aunt Carol around the waist and pulled her

  close. It was so manly that I wanted to scream.

  “Happy anniversary,” he said, handing her

  the little box. She opened the necklace, put it on

  right away, and looked like she might cry.

  “I got something for you, too,” she said,

  handing him a box.

  He laughed and hugged her and opened it —

  it was full of monkeyvomit.

  116

  It was Dad’s monkeyvomit tie.

  “It’s beautiful!” Uncle Dan said.

  At first I thought he was just being polite, but

  then I realized that Uncle Dan is almost a teacher,

  and teachers really love ugly ties best of all.

  “Did you make this?” he asked her, his eyes

  filled with admiration.

  He pulled off his old tie and put on the new

  one. Aunt Carol shot me a look to indicate that I

  had better not say a word.

  “I did,” she lied.

  Angeline nudged me.

  “That tie,” she whispered. “That horrible tie

  is going to be around his neck in that photo until

  the end of time.”

  I responded carefully, so as not to lose the bet.

  “I didn’t realize that you knew so much about

  men’s fashion, Angeline,” I whispered back.

  117

  “He can’t wear that,” she whispered louder.

  “Do something.”

  “You do something,”I whispered
back.

  “She’s YOUR aunt.”

  “She’s your aunt now, too,” I said, but I knew

  Angeline was right.

  Uncle Dan stepped in front of the camera,

  and the cameraman scowled a bit.

  “Going with that tie, are you?” he asked.

  “I sure am,” Uncle Dan said proudly.“My

  wife made it for me.”

  I realized that I had no choice. I was going to

  lose the bet.

  “Uncle Dan, can I say something?”

  “Sure, Jamie, what is it?”

  I took a deep breath. “It’s about that tie.”

  “Okay.What’s on your mind?” he asked kindly.

  118

  “If we were to take three feet of wrappings

  off a decaying mummy, drag it through a pigsty, dip

  it in toad slobber, and leave it at the bottom of a

  birdcage for six years, we would have a tie that

  would still be a thousand times better-

  looking than that smeary mess you have tied

  around your neck right now.”

  I also may have said a swear word or two in

  there. I don’t remember. It was three weeks’ worth

  of mean coming out all at once.

  Uncle Dan just stood there with his mouth open.

  Aunt Carol did the same.

  The cameraman nodded in agreement and

  chimed in.

  “In particular, the kid’s right about the toad

  slobber,” he said.

  Angeline picked up the other tie.

  “This one, on the other hand, is beautiful. It’s

  classy, and dignified, and exactly the look we want

  for our beloved uncle and respected assistant

  principal,” she said, handing it to him as though it

  was some sort of priceless artifact.

  119

  “They’re right,” Aunt Carol said. “Wear

  the other tie.”

  Uncle Dan put the nice tie on and gently

  handed the monkeyvomit tie to Aunt Carol.

  “Take care of this, please. You made it for

  me, and so it will always be my favorite tie.”

  Aunt Carol gave me a threatening glance.

  I obviously wasn’t supposed to reveal who had

  actually made the tie. I gave her a thumbs-up

  to indicate that I was in on this crime with her.

  120

  It’s Thursday, so they were testing a new

  menu item at lunch today. They called it Tropical

  Surprise.

  Of course it was totally unappetizing, but

  mostly I didn’t feel like eating because I was too

  busy swallowing my pride to confess to Isabella.

  “I lost the bet,” I said, “but I was only

  mean because it was the nicest thing I could do.

  When you say something mean to be nice, it should

  count as niceness,” I said.

  “Jelly beans should count as beans,” Isabella

  said with a wicked grin. “But add them to your

  mom’s chili and watch what happens.”

  “So I’m getting the dare, huh?” I said.

  “Oh, yes,” she said happily. “Oh yes yes

  yes yes yes yes.”

  “One for me, too,”Angeline said. “I lost, too.”

  “No, she didn’t,” I said.

  “I did, Jamie. It was all part of the same

  conversation. You said one tie was ugly, I said one

  was beautiful. I also lost.”

  121

  Isabella began to visibly shake, and I realized

  why. After years of not getting to play Dare or Worse

  Dare with anyone, now she was getting to play it

  with TWO PEOPLE all at once.

  She was so overwhelmed with joy that she

  actually threw up right there on the cafeteria

  floor, which grossed out everybody pretty badly

  except me.

  “Hey,I have a couple of shirts that would go

  with that,” I said.

  122

  Friday 27

  Dear Dumb Diary,

  We had our final debates in social studies

  today. Isabella was absent, and I know why. It

  wasn’t because she still felt sick. It was because

  she wanted all day to focus on our dares. Heck, it

  wouldn’t surprise me if she had even made herself

  throw up so that she could stay home today. Isabella

  can will herself to perform just about any bodily

  function at any moment, including sweat. It’s a

  talent.

  Since Isabella wasn’t there, Dicky suggested

  that he just debate himself, because he had been

  working so closely with Isabella that he knew

  exactly what she would say. Besides, he often

  talked to himself in the shower.

  Before Dicky began to describe the shower

  conversations — and he was preparing to — Mr.

  Smith said that Dicky had won by forfeit so he got

  to pick the subject for the next pair of debaters: me

  and Angeline.

  “Very well,” Dicky said in his most dignified

  lisp. “I challenge both of thee to tell us why the

  OTHER ONE is a better person.”

  Mr. Smith’s eyes widened.

  “Each debater must say why the other is

  better,” he said quietly, as if he was saying some

  sort of magic spell. “It means that if you lose,

  you win. . . .”

  Angeline went first.

  “I can’t tell you how jealous I am of Jamie,”

  she said, and I think I swallowed my gum.

  “She’s really great at writing and drawing. She’s a

  super-loyal best friend to Isabella, and she admits

  when she loses a bet. She’s funny, and smart, and a

  good dancer, and she was right and I was wrong

  about the Hotdog Fiesta.

  “She’s actually right about a lot of things,

  if you give her some time to figure them out. I

  couldn’t have a better cousin, although I’m pretty

  sure we’re not really cousins. Without a doubt, she’s

  a better person than I am.”

  For a moment I didn’t know what to say.

  And for the moment after that, I still didn’t.

  Somewhere around the fourth or fifth

  moment, I knew, and I stood up to speak.

  “I used to be jealous of Angeline because

  she’s beautiful. She’s so beautiful that it actually

  hurts my feelings to look at her face. For years, I’ve

  been hoping that she would turn out to be really

  mean or really selfish or really stupid, or that the

  beautiful would just fall off her like when my

  parakeet molted from a beautiful bird to a living,

  breathing McNugget.

  “But she hasn’t. Angeline is really and truly

  nice, but not just because she was born that way.

  Nobody is born that nice. Bunnies aren’t born that

  nice. Angeline works at being nice. That doesn’t mean

  it isn’t genuine.Work is genuine.Believe me, I tried it.

  “In fact, what you just naturally are isn’t

  really much to be proud of. It’s the things you work

  at, the things you do on purpose, that are

  accomplishments.

  “Angeline is always a good friend to me even

  though I don’t deserve it, and I have a feeling that

  if I was ever locked away in jail, Isabella might try

  to break me out with dynamite, but Angeline would

&nbs
p; be able to explain to the warden why I deserved

  to be released.

  “I used to be jealous of Angeline because

  she’s beautiful.Now I realize that there is so

  much more to be jealous of.”

  125

  It’s almost impossible to hug a friend in front

  of a class full of people. But Angeline comes in

  pretty fast for a hug, and I was hugged before I

  knew what hit me.

  As I stood there, being strangled badly by

  Angeline, I realized where she was getting her

  meanness: Angeline feels jealous. Not of hair, or

  beauty— she’s jealous of the things she thinks she

  doesn’t have. It was just as hard for Angeline to say

  those things about me as it was for me to say them

  about her.

  Hudson turned to Mr. Smith and asked him

  who won, but he was still puzzling over the way

  Dicky had set up the debate.

  “How did you ever come up with something so

  fiendish?” he asked Dicky,who just shrugged and

  stuck his thumb in his belly button.

  126

  When I got home, I told Mom that Uncle Dan

  really liked the tie, and that Aunt Carol told him

  that she made it.

  “It meant a lot to Uncle Dan. He said it’s his

  favorite tie in the world.”

  Mom’s chin wrinkled, and she touched one

  hand lightly over her heart.

  “So I think you’d better not make any of your

  homemade clothing items for a while,” I went on.

  “At least until he forgets about it. We don’t want

  to spoil things for Aunt Carol.”Mom nodded in

  agreement.

  I looked at Dad and silently mouthed the

  words, “Now you owe me, and I want Chinese food.”

  “I got the promotion,” he said with a grin.

  “Who wants Chinese food?”

  127

  Saturday 28

  Dear Dumb Diary,

  Today, Angeline and I stood before Isabella

  to meet our fates. She had dressed all in black,