Dear Dumb Diary Year Two #5: You Can Bet on That Read online

like some kind of executioner, and she made a

  big production of sloooowly putting her little

  notebook on the table and looking at us over her

  glasses.

  “I suppose you two know what I have in this

  little notebook,” she said in a low, sinister tone

  of voice.

  “Our dares?” Angeline said.

  “Indeed,” Isabella confirmed. It was probably

  the first time she had ever used that word. “But

  first, a formality. DARE or WORSE DARE?”

  she asked.

  128

  “Dare,” we said in unison.

  “Are you sure?” she said. “The Worse Dares

  look pretty good to me. I don’t want to give

  anything away, but one of them involves a bucket

  of fish heads.”

  “Dare,” we repeated.

  “Very well,” Isabella said as dramatically as

  she could. She opened her notebook.

  “As different as the two of you are, you might

  find it interesting that my careful thinking has led

  me to conclude that the very best dare for you both

  is the Exact Same Dare.”

  Isabella paused as if she was waiting for

  thunder.

  “Oh, get on with it,” Angeline said.

  “Angeline and Jamie, I dare the two of

  you to . . .”

  129

  “. . . say what the best things are about the

  other one!” she proclaimed in a booming voice. She

  folded her arms, leaned back, and smiled.

  “You’re joking, right?” I said, and Angeline

  started to snicker.

  “NO JOKE. This is it. You have agreed to

  this, and this is the dare you must accept. I’ve

  given this a lot of careful thought, Angeline. You’re

  sweet, but you know that you’ll never be good at

  the things Jamie’s good at, and that’s where your

  weakness is. I’ve figured you out, Angeline. Your

  flaw is jealousy.”

  “You’re right,” Angeline said, “I am jealous.”

  And she repeated, word-for-word, what she had

  said about me yesterday. And then I did the same.

  Isabella’s smile turned into a look of

  puzzlement, and then anger.

  “Why isn’t this just destroying you???” she

  demanded.

  We told her about the debate, and how Dicky

  already gave this exact same challenge. We had

  said it all before.

  Isabella kicked over her chair and shook her

  fist at the sky.

  “DICKY!!!!!!”

  130

  Turns out that Isabella had been trying

  dare ideas on Dicky all along during their debate

  practice, without ever telling him what they were

  really for. Because Dicky doesn’t have a mean bone

  in his body, he just happened to like the sound of

  this one, because he figured what could ever

  possibly be wrong about saying nice things?

  I actually felt a little bad for Isabella. She

  just wanted to have one more go at a little game

  that she had innocently played as a child with

  savage and inhuman cruelty.

  I almost let her give me another dare, but I

  had heard something about fish heads.

  131

  Sunday 29

  Dear Dumb Diary,

  I talked to Isabella today. She was so enraged

  yesterday that she made Dicky play Dare or Worse

  Dare with her.

  She had not had much time to prepare, so she

  meanly dared him to wear her monkeyvomit hat all

  day. And he did.

  He even photographed himself wearing it

  with some clown makeup on, and posted it on the

  Student Awareness Committee blog as the logo.

  It got more than 200 likes, way more than

  anything any of us had ever posted.

  132

  It’s weird: When Dicky made us give each

  other compliments, it was to be nice, and when

  Isabella made us do the same thing, it was to be

  mean. The exact same thing could be nice

  and mean at the same time.

  Like telling somebody that you love the awful

  shirt they made you.

  Like letting somebody know the tie they’re

  wearing is a nightmare.

  Like Angeline and me. We’re nice and mean at

  the same time.

  Like antibiotics and probiotics.

  Things just aren’t black and white.

  Life is like a monkeyvomit hat, Dumb Diary.

  It can be bad one minute, and good the next, but

  most often, it’s probably both at the exact same

  time, and you won’t always know which is which.

  You can bet on that.

  Thanks for listening, Dumb Diary,

  133

  How Do You REALLY Feel?

  Jamie, Angeline, and Isabella each have their own

  way of seeing the world. Who are you most like?

  Answer the questions below to find out — and be

  honest!

  1.) What’s your favorite season?

  a. Summer! I love warm days. And kind of warm

  days. And sunshine. And pool parties. And

  lemonade. And . . .

  b. The deep, dark freeze of winter.

  c. Spring, I guess. (Except for the rain. And

  the mud.)

  2.) When you play Truth or Dare, you usually choose:

  a. Truth — I have nothing to hide!

  b. Neither — I’m too busy daring everyone else.

  c. Dare — I just prepare myself for the worst.

  3.) If your mom made you a super-ugly

  monkeyvomit shirt, what would you do?

  a. Wear it happily — she put a lot of time and

  effort into it!

  b. Wear it immediately — to play tackle football

  in the mud (and hope that it gets completely

  destroyed . . . along with my opponent).

  c. Wear it only until I’m out of her sight — as

  long as no one else can see me.

  4.) You hear that the cafeteria is serving up a new

  recipe for lunch. What’s your first thought?

  a. Ooh, yummy! I can’t wait to try it!

  b. I wonder how many people will get food

  poisoning.

  c. It can’t be worse than all the other gross stuff

  they serve . . . can it?

  5.) You have the flu. You can’t help thinking:

  a. It’s nice to get some extra rest, and chicken

  soup is delicious!

  b. There must be a way to strengthen the germs

  and then pass them to my mean older

  brothers.

  c. It figures. I’m missing out on so much while

  I’m stuck at home!

  6.) What’s your favorite food?

  a. Anything sweet!

  b. Shish kebobs, fondue . . . anything on a sharp

  skewer.

  c. Pizza. Unless it has mushrooms. Or too many

  gross veggies. Or too much cheese.

  7.) A friend leaves a box of chocolates in your

  locker. What do you do?

  a. Run to find her immediately, give her a big

  hug, and thank her 20 times.

  b. Test each chocolate for poison (you never

  know), and then eat them all at once so I

  don’t have to share with anyone.

  c. Wonder what she did wrong. Why else would

  she give me a gift out of the blue? It seems

>   suspicious.

  8.) Your dad is planning to wear the world’s ugliest

  sweater to have his work portrait taken. What do

  you do?

  a. Pick out something different, and sweetly

  suggest that it would look even better than

  the sweater.

  b. Let him wear it, and cackle every time you see

  the photo.

  c. Give him a long speech about how hideously

  ugly and awful the sweater is, and how he

  should be embarrassed to even own it.

  Designed By You!

  If Dicky Flartsnutt can design an awesome logo, so

  can you! Try your hand at drawing something for

  these different organizations:

  The Student Awareness Committee

  Clown-Haters Anonymous

  The Society for Protection Against Those Who Are

  Effortlessly Beautiful

  Glittermaniacs

  The Association for the Appreciation of Koala

  Fuzziness

  Turn the page for a super- secret sneak peek. . . .

  Graphic novels by #1

  New York Times

  bestselling author

  Raina Telgemeier

  This is the true story of how Raina

  severely injured her two front teeth

  when she was in the sixth grade,

  and the dental drama—on top of boy

  confusion, a major earthquake, and

  friends who turn out to be not so

  friendly—that followed!

  Callie is the set designer for her

  middle school’s spring musical, and

  is determined to create a set worthy

  of Broadway.But between the onstage

  AND offstage drama that occurs once

  the actors are chosen, it’s going to be

  a long way until opening night!

  About Jim Benton

  Jim Benton is not a middle-school girl, but do

  not hold that against him. He has managed to

  make a living out of being funny, anyway.

  He is the creator of many licensed properties,

  some for big kids, some for little kids, and some

  for grown-ups who, frankly, are probably behaving

  like little kids.

  You may already know his properties: It’s

  Happy Bunny™ or Catwad™, and of course you

  already know about Dear Dumb Diary.

  He’s created a kids’ TV series, designed

  clothing, and written books.

  Jim Benton lives in Michigan with his spectac-

  ular wife and kids. They do not have a dog, and

  they especially do not have a vengeful beagle.

  This is his first series for Scholastic.

  Jamie Kelly has no idea that Jim Benton, or

  you, or anybody is reading her diaries. So, please,

  please, please don’t tell her.